Personal Triumph and Loss

I have wanted to share this part of my life for a while now, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. I think maybe, I haven't been quite ready. I think that I am now. I share this for a few reasons. I want to bring hope to people. I want everyone to see that with faith, and by treating our bodies the right way, that any problems we are having with our bodies can be fixed. We are capable of being healthy and strong and whole. I am also writing this for a selfish reason. I think it will help me to continue to heal.

Last August my husband and I found out that I was pregnant. For us, this us truly a miracle. We had been trying to get pregnant for 12 years. We had been told that the only way that we ever would get pregnant would be through IVF and the chances of that happening were also slim. We actually were planning to do IVF and as I was waiting to start my next cycle so that we could start the process we were stopped in our tracks. My cycle never started. I have not been regular my entire life. Even when I was a teenager I was not regular. However for the last 9 months (before August) I had been for the first time in my life. The reason for this was because I was finally taking good care of my body. I was keeping bad stuff out and letting good stuff in. I knew that this was a blessing from my Father in Heaven. I was told that if I do everything in my power, by taking good care of my body, that he would make up the rest. I followed through with it and he blessed me. So you can see why I was so confused when i was late. The doctor told me to take a pregnancy test and I laughed. I took one anyway and it was negative. I waited two more weeks and was trying to be patient. I made a doctors appointment to get an ultra sound to see if I might have a cyst that may have been making my late. The doctor told me to take one more pregnancy test. I took one the morning of my ultra sound and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. After all these years, a positive pregnancy test! I went ahead and went into the ultra sound appointment to be checked out to see if everything was ok. I was 5 1/2 weeks along.
Fast forward two and a half weeks. I went into my Midwife for an 8 week appointment. My first pregnancy appointment. Everything was going great, until she tried to listen for the heart beat. She couldn't hear anything. I wasn't worried at that point, it was still early or so the doctor said. We scheduled an ultra sound for the next day however just to make sure that everything was ok. It was not. My baby died at 6 1/2 weeks. I was devastated. My baby would have been due the middle of April. I cannot believe that so much time has passed. Most days I don't think of it. Most days I am great. I have felt the loving hand of the Lord guide me through this trying time.
It took me a few weeks to actually miscarry. After the miscarriage my body returned to normal. I started having regular periods again. I actually was kind of shocked. I thought for sure that my hormones would be confused for a while, but it seemed like they were good. The last few months however, that has not been the case. My hormones are really out of wack again and I have been trying to get them back to normal. It has been a struggle. I am having to be really strict with my diet (which emotionally I am having a hard time with). I will get there. I know that my body will find balance again. It did at one time and because of that I was blessed with one of the biggest miracles of my life, getting pregnant. It would have been nice to stay pregnant and have another baby; my heart longs for that, but the Lord has a different plan for me right now. I need to strive to keep my body healthy so that I will be able to do what ever it is that he wants for me to do.